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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 484 (some duplicates have been removed)
from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you on this evening. very, very good show for you. my guest tonight is a young man named ricky gervais ( cheers and applause ) he's here to promote... he's here to promote i think a new line of ricky gervais black tee-shirts-we're excited to have him and creatine. before we start, this is incredible. a huge break coming out of boston. >> this is cnn's breaking news. wolf, we have information an arrest has been made in the investigation here in boston. >> the suspect was identified has now been arrested. >> i was told by a boston law enforcement source we got him. >> jon: [bleep] i can't... you know, so many people, this is so important. so many people are going to be reading this tonight. give me the details. this is exciting. >> federal law enforcement source says an arrest has been made base on two different videos showing images of
captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm jon stewart. got a good guest tonight. mr. tom cruise will be joining us on the program. welcome to the show. once again having to start under just horrific events here in this country. i really hate the fact that i can cross reference my thought to so many other events that have occurred over the years of a similar ilk so i'm not going to. i'm just going to say this to boston: thank you. thank you for once again in the face of gross inhumanity inspiring and solidifying my belief in humanity and the people of this country. so thank you. (cheers and applause) for everything that you've done. (applause) an amazing -- that's quite a little city you've got going on up there. and you know new yorkers and boston obviously have kind of a little bit of a competition, often times the two cities accusing each other of various levels of suckitude. (laughter) but it is in situations like this that we realize that it is clearly a sibling rivalry and that we are your brothers and sisters in t
. >> jon: really? "gang?" really? first of all. that's a gang of eight. (laughter) that little group there. you're going to call them a gang? i think you mean the co-op board of eight. (laughter) that is not a gang. how is that a gang? "i get a teardrop tattoo for each apartment application i reject." (laughter) "this tattoo right here, the woman had a dog." (laughter) but a path to citizenship is good news seeing as this is the current path. (audience reacts) so any path is better than this. on sunday gang of eight member captain thirsty, a.k.a. no-spit johnson, a.k.a. the human dessicant, a.k.a. the gel packet they put in clothes so they don't retain moisture, rubio laid out the path. >> you're going to have to pay a fine, an application fee, you have to pass a background check. >> jon: (laughs) background check that's easy to get around, background check. all you've got to do is tell immigration you're a gun. (laughter) still, that doesn't sound so bad. you get a few fees, a few forms then you're a citizen, right? >> assuming all that happens the only thing you get is a work permit. >>
, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hi, everybody. welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one for you tonight. i said it before but i'll say it tonight and mean it-- our guest tonight is the great bassem youssef, fresh off his command performance at both the "time 100" dinner can ask jail. it's going to be good. we begin way celebration of what makes america the home of the brave and the land of the awesome and why our enemies don't get it. ♪ ♪ >> the constitution founded our great country. the american constitution, the blueprints for our way of life. >> i really worry if we have lost an understanding of our constitution, our founding principles,and understanding of what makes us strong. >> they hate our freedom. they hate our way of life. they hate who we are. they hate our liberty. >> jon: it is like we are the anne hathaways of countries? ( laughter ) you hate us, but only because you can't get with this. ( laughter ) it why do you hate america? is that that we're too nice, that we sing too well oh, is that we're too hot
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily showthe"dailymy nameis j. we have a good show tonight. from "mad men, "mad men" jon hae joining us on the program. he's kosher for paps over, that man. let me say this-- let's begin tonight with the u.s. congress. we all know that if you look up "congress" in the dictionary, it says, "do not ( bleep ) tarreds who couldn't solve the problem if it was eating them alive anus first ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ) hold on. i should mention i only use urban dictionaries. but it is why the detrimental effects of the sequester, the painful across-the-board budget cuts that are wreaking havoc on federal services, seem like they're here to stay. extended unemployment benefits are running out in western massachusetts. head start programs are closing early in rhode island. jobless california workers are forgoing $1.2 billion each week. seniors in maine are going without meals on wheels, which, by the way,
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have one for you tonight. very, very, very pleasing show. former president jimmy carter is joining us in what i assume is a late night comedy first. we're going to be talking about guinea worms. they are like the gummy worm that eats you. [ laughter ] comedy gold! [laughter] lately, if you've been watching the television or reading the newspapers, you may have noticed the federal government thanks to dead lock in inertia and what many analysts are calling fatheadedness is not really doing anything when it comes to governing, yeah governing. [ laughter ] but the states are picking up the slack. yes, the meth laboratories of democracy are hard at work tackling all of our nation's most important and pressing issues as we see in our state laws round-up. [cheers and applause] oh, yeah! let's put up the big board! [laughter]
comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. a good one for you tonight. our guest jonathan sperber written a new biography of karl mar. x, the least funny of all the marx brothers. the aws tearity measures from the sequester are taking the toll oned the needy in this country. the gun control is losing momentum and walking dead is off the air until october and there was a fourth thing i keep forgetting. >> north korea is one again ratcheting up tensions with the united states. >> jon: yeah, yeah that was it three other bad things and then that north korea thing. for some reason nobody can figure out north korea has decided to ratchet up tensions or to put it another way [speaking korean] [laughter] and now to phil with sports! phil! [laughter] take it away. [ laughter ] very enthusiastic about reading the newscast. very angry. first of all, what an impressive copy of nancy grace's sh
headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. guest tonight, edie falco. she's the star of "nurse jackie", great show. but first, the 2012 presidential campaign will most likely be best remembered for the battle the republicans and democrats waged for the african-american vote. >> in 2012 president obama won 93% of the black vote. >> jon: oh, they were so close. [ laughter ] all that is about to change as the republican party starts minority voter outreach program. yesterday kentucky senator rand paul fell asleep on the washington metro's green line and ended up at historically black howard university where he decided to speak. >> some people have asked me are you nervous about speaking at howard. some have said i'm either brave or crazy to be here today. [ laughter ] >> jon: but that's what heros do. [ laughter ] they don't think about the odds when they plunge headfirst into a symposium with high achieving students at a prestigious univer
a book. [♪] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. what a show for you tonight. from the hit show mad man christina hendricks will be joining us in a little bit. but, folks, a lot has happened since we last spoke on thursday. for a country whose political institutions have in many ways stunned mercury sently with the lack of courage and competence, it was refreshing to see some of our civic institutions displaying both traits in full force: caring for the wounded, tracking down, killing and/or capturing perps, we call them perps in the make-believe law enforcement trade. doing it all within one week or to put that in political senate terms, three filibusters and a secret poll. as always after the crisis passes, thoughts turn to what does this mean? first, reflections from overseas. >> the czech republic is a european country. it's a different thing than chechnya. >> jon: that is the czech republic ambassa
" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hi, everybody. welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. big show tonight. eva mendes is joining us. a fine actress. i want to talk about america, land that i love. standing beside her i can't help but notice she has issues that need addresses veesa see vis a vis economics and people in grocery stores throwing milk so they can slip. take that minimum wage mop person that has to clean that up. a lot of problems that need fixing. there's only one thing standing in our way. >> the republicans don't seem to get it. instead of working pour the people they would rather work to obstruct. >> obstruction is the orthodox. they think compromise say dirty word. >> the policy seems to be just say no. >> republicans have clog order blocked everything we've tried to do. >> jon: yes! because of republicans nothing can pass through the legislative body keeping america backed up. [ laughter ] unable to squeeze out the simplest legislation so bloated -- i'm sorry just a couple days into this passover thing and my g
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight mr. salomon rushdie will be joining us. i'm going to begin tonight talking about perks. little job benefits, maybe the benefits of your job that make it worthwhile. the ability to work from home, perhaps a perk. a machine that dispenses the free coffee, a perk. immunity from murder charges, a perk. but as "60 minutes" taught us a year and a half ago there may be no better perk than the one members of congress receive. >> congress lawmakers have no corporate responsibility and have long been considered exempt from insider trading laws, even though they have daily access to nonpublic information and plenty of opportunities to trade on it. >> if you are on the senate banking committee, you can trade bank stock as much as you want. and that regularly goes on in all these committees. >> jon: interesting. ladies and gentlemen, if you will-- (laughter) >> jon: my impression of the senat
in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. here's our show tonight. vali nasr will be joining us. author vali nasr will be joining us. but first tonight, if i may, he's baaacd. >> president george w. bush steps back into the spotlight for the first time in a long time to dedicate his presidential library. >> jon: ha-ha- stay cool, johnny, boy. stay cool. ( laughter ) because it's the opening ser mope of the bush library. it's been four and a half years since we've seen president bush. i imagine like most expresident he's devoting himself to public service. 88-year-old jimmy carter literally pulling the last remaining guinea worms out of poor children's feet with his hands. look, what's-- what's president bush been up to? >> >> i paint two or three hours a day. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ). >> jon: sometimes it'st seems only a gallon of paint, drown out the screams of those i've wronged. ( laughter ) plus, sometimes they let you use y
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 484 (some duplicates have been removed)